Category Archives: faith

At the End of the Road With an Empty Bag of Tricks: How Death Seemed So Seductive

Standard

The Light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it.  -John 1:5

Beloved Friends,

It’s been almost one month since I’ve written.  I’ve wanted so much to write each and every single day, but certain life circumstances have left me just plain depleted and wholly exhausted.  I suppose my pervasive depression was the driving force that has kept me wrapped tightly in my favorite blanket…in bed.  You see, that’s that majority of what I’ve been doing since I last wrote–sleeping or working.  When I’m not working I’m sleeping and when I’m not sleeping I’m working.  That’s the long and short of it, friends.  I have become a hermit lately with no social life or fellowship to speak of.  As a matter of fact, my hygiene has even suffered a bit!

You see, a few months ago before my gross reduction in income,  I used AG, Biolage, Purology, and Philosophy products to care for my hair and body.  In the realm of make-up I prefer Mac, Two-Faced, Smashbox, and Urban Decay, just to name a few.  Men, this may mean nothing to you, but ladies, you know exactly what I’m talking about!  More than any of my physical traits I love my hair and for years upon years have only allowed the best products to come near it.  I mean, I was using a $55 bottle of conditioner and a $30 glaze to keep my hair from being frizzy, while giving it just the perfect amount of volume and texture to put me in a close 2nd in a  “best hair” contest with Jennifer Aniston herself!

The “BEFORE” photo!

Is this my fate?

My $20 sugar and hemp-infused body scrub and $20 shower gel left my artificially tanned skin as smooth as a baby’s backside and smelling of an organic rhapsody of lavender with subtle hints of warm, toasted vanilla.  After my rejuvenating power showers, I used to like to smooth on some of my deliciously decadent Philosophy body cream ($28) before hitting my pillow which I even misted with a light Bath and Body Work’s fragrance. Now, I buy Pantene products from the Dollar General, and adorn my skin in Wal-Mart’s generic version of Dove’s mildly-exfoliating body soap.  My razor is one that my former reprobate of a roommate left behind accidentally.  It isn’t the sinfully sharp, quadruple-bladed razor that I’m accustomed to; it’s one of those Bic disposable numbers.  So, like I said, my hygiene has suffered a little; I can admit that.  But in my dirty defense, “bath time is no longer a spa-like experience“.  Shoot, as of late,  I’ve been so down that I have even had to remind myself to brush my damn teeth each day.  The loss of my beauty products hurt a little but I’m proud to report that my hair and skin have held up better than expected… and I still have all my teeth (in spite of my recurring nightmare that I’m missing my front one–we’ll talk about that another time).

I suppose that being separated from my elite beauty products aren’t really my biggest issue though right now.  As a matter of fact, although my skin is a bit ashy and my hair is somewhat wiry I must say, I have much bigger fish to fry. 

Surprisingly, money is not now nor has it ever been a great source of pleasure for me.  I mean, sure I like to shop sometimes, but I simply do not love money; never have.  I have dated wealthy men; wasn’t impressed.  Hence, I can say, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I will never marry a man for his money.  I like to have money for reasons related to financial stability.  You know what I mean, friend?  I desperately want to be able to comfortably pay my mortgage, car note, and my other giant mountain of debts.  I want to comfortably be able to give my children lunch money each day and not have to worry about how I’m going to get groceries from week to week.  I want to be able to save my money too like normal people seem to do…  And I want to be able to tithe.  But more than “anything” I want to be able to help others who are in need.  “Especially” single parents and their seemingly indefensible children. 

I often joke with God about Him not ever allowing me to win the blasted lottery.  I mean, my church would receive more than 10%, I would do mission trips to Africa and South America… building educational facilities all along the way, putting shoes on bare, calloused, little feet–and I could certainly ensure that an exorbitant amount of hungry, suffering children never feel the pangs of hunger in their little bellies again.  I could effectively share and spread the Gospel and even put a sizeable dent in the monstrosities that make up the sex trafficking industry.  I could pop a few caps in the asses of some of the cartel too!  In short, I could help so many people.  So why in the world would He not trust me with a bit of money?  It just doesn’t make sense, does it?  Even if he didn’t choose me, He could at least chose someone with a heart like mine!  Ugh!  Money is the root of all evil!  It’s come to a point where I am disgusted by it and what it represents.  I kind of hate it actually.  I hate how it distracts people and keeps them from experiencing face-to-face encounters with God.  You see, if I’ve learned anything, I’ve learned that poverty causes you to lean on Jesus, which deepens and sweetens your relationship with Him.  In that way, I feel kind of sad for the majority of rich folks.  (Disclaimer: I’m not saying that all rich folks don’t have precious relationships with God!)

But I suppose my theories on money and religion aren’t so important right now.  You see, I have to admit something, friends.  Late Sunday night… early Monday morning, I was in a place of such deep, devastating sorrow that I was, in all sincerity planning my great escape.  I was planning on ending my life.  My pain was so agonizing and unbearable that night and I had cried until my eyes were almost swollen shut.  All the suffering that I had experienced in my life just came together, forming one indescribable but all-consuming ache.  I had a plan and began subtly saying my goodbyes to those that I love in the wee small hours of the night.  Were it not for my beautiful son Jonah who was peacefully sleeping near me, I know that I would be nothing more than a memory right now.  Praise Jesus that I was able to remember back to the night my then, 5-year-old Jeremiah (who was sleeping) and I  drove up on my mother’s house to see why she hadn’t been answering the phone all weekend.  It was on that fateful night that I discovered that my mother had committed suicide. 

I reminisced upon the moments and hours that passed after seeing her lifeless, pale, white body laying in her bed.  She had the saddest expression on her face.  She looked like her heart had been broken.  She had been dead, laying in that bed for three days. 

I also reminisced upon her funeral.  She asked that we play a few songs, namely “Please Remember” by LeAnn Rimes.  It’s a beautiful song, but my heart broke into a thousand pieces when I heard it play at the service.  I vaguely remember that I literally let out a moan so deep and so loud during the song that my precious grandfather had to take his focus off of mourning the death of his child, and focus on consoling me.  It was one of those soul cries…I just couldn’t maintain my composure sitting there looking at her casket.

Then my mind wandered back to the days before her funeral, pre-visitation.  I got my mother ready for her funeral.  With the help of my cousin, who is a physician, we managed to get my mother’s body dressed.  And mind you, we didn’t pull the easy, funeral parlor trick where you merely cut a slit down the back of a shirt or a dress…we literally got her dressed, from head to toe.  She was bloated and had Frankenstein-like stitching all around her head from the autopsy.  Remember, my mom was a cop…  She once had to participate in an autopsy during her training at the police academy and was happy to report that she “got to crack the skull-cap“.  I remember her telling me that the human face is peeled back away from the head and that it simply looks like a mask as it is pulled down and then pulled back up toward the end of the procedure.  Add to that, I was also keenly aware that the deceased’s brain and other organs are taken out and weighed–among other things during an autopsy– and then tossed back into the chest cavity which is then sloppily sewn back up. 

She was so brave when she was a cop, so I had resigned to be brave like her during this sacred time to ensure that it was “me” taking care of her sweet body, ensuring that she was handled with supreme love and dignity.  The Holy Spirit definitely guided me as I prepared her body because I was so much stronger in that moment than you or anyone else could ever imagine.  I felt like she was with me and that God was bringing a much-needed sense of peace and understanding to our relationship.  Still, there were subtle reminders like her sad-faced, lifeless body reeking of formaldehyde, which was literally oozing from her pores and causing her beautiful hair to fall out as I curled and styled it. 

Praise the Maker that was able to successfully get her hair and make-up done.  I had managed to get her ready for her funeral all by myself, except for the help that my sweet cousin gave me in actually dressing her body.  I was proud of my cosmetology skills but what was bothering me was the fact that she had fallen after taking all the medication that she took.  I think she attempted to overdose but discovered that what she had taken did not kill her.  I think she sedated herself heavily and then woke up, disappointed that she was not dead yet.  I believe this is when she dizzily got up to grab for more pills (the ones that really killed her).  When she did she feel into a box fan thus breaking some of her acrylic nails. 

I said to myself right then, “MY mother is not going to see Jesus needing a fill!”  Hastily and with great determination I called a nail salon that was located across the street from the funeral home.  I asked them to please come and help me get my mother’s nails repaired.  Now apparently the Vietnamese culture does not play well with the dead, because a timid but traumatized little Asian voice echoed back at me saying, “D-no, we no do dat foe yew mudda!  We skeead!”   I couldn’t help but chuckle a little bit.

Finally though, my tenaciousness and perseverance had paid off.  With the help of my cousin, we found someone from a local hospital who was willing to give my mother her final fill.  I tell you what, that girl did one heck of a job!  She had my dead mother’s arms all sprawled out with “forms” on every nail.  By the time this gal was finished my mother’s nails looked amazing and the whole damn funeral home smelled not of formaldehyde, but of acetone!  I know it’s not funny, but the entire place smelled like a nail salon!

All this to say, the memories of my mother’s suicide are fresh.  So, the question is how could I do that to my Jeremiah and my Jonah?  How could I do it to my family?  How could I even entertain such thoughts?  Who would have found me?  Would I have had to have had a closed-casket because the left side of my head was missing from the exit of the bullet? 

I know these are maniacally morbid thoughts, but I thought of them all as I weighed out my unspeakable options.  Truth be told, I prayed and prayed for Jesus to come back.  I desperately wanted the Rapture to happen so my kids and I could just fly away from such an ugly, senseless, evil world.  I guess Jesus wasn’t ready to mount His majestic, white horse and ride to my rescue though.   Or maybe it was on account of the Battle of Armageddon hasn’t occurred yet or we haven’t all been asked to receive the mark of the Beast!?!  Either way, we’re all still here and aren’t winged and singing with the Hosts of Heaven.  I apologize if I have offended any of you by prematurely trying to end the world.

But you see, I’m really broke and struggling.  I stand to lose everything.  My home was literally one day from foreclosure.  My attorney met me at 7 am on Labor Day (September 3rd) to allow me to file for bankruptcy; I did.  Shortly thereafter, my boyfriend did some things that were absolutely appalling.  I had to send him away as his addictions and alcoholism were consuming us.  He was also becoming abusive again.  Add to that, I found two condoms in his suitcase… We “rarely” have sex and when we do, we don’t use condoms. 

I remember clearly back to September the 3rd because it was my late grandmother’s birthday that day.  I had been having some problems with dizziness and fainting and that afternoon, I got up too fast I suppose and I fainted.  Jonah was standing next to me when it happened.  I hit my head really, really hard on the closet door behind me.  Jonah screamed “MOMMY” in a tone that affected me to my core; still does today.  He was so scared and was crying.  I’ve never seen him get that upset and lose it like that.  Let’s just say that, in that instant it was painfully clear how much Jonah loved me.  It was also the memory of his cry for me that prevented me from making an irreversible decision the other night, which was the morning of the 24th.

What happened that night?“, you’re probably wondering, that could have taken me to the edge of a cliff like that.  I’ll tell you what happened, I found out that I lost my job.  Friends, I am yet unemployed again and I have to make a mortgage payment soon PLUS my monthly bankruptcy payment to the trustee.  I’ve depleted all of my resources. 

I took this job with the hopes of moving up quickly.  I don’t mind telling you that I went from making $50K a year to a little over $19K a year.  I was literally pulling in $9.53 an hour at the airline I worked for, with all my education and experience.  But you know what?  I loved that job.  I loved the people.  I loved working from home, which was a first for me.  I worked and trained so hard and it was all taken away in a flash. 

So here I am.  I do not know what’s going to happen to me next.  I have never been angry with God before the other night.  However, on that night I felt as if he had completely betrayed me and that all the prayers that I had humbly prayed to him…and I also felt like the time that I had spent on my knees were all in vain or that he was simply choosing to ignore me.  Today, I have decided to put up a little bit of a fight…as much as I can.  But know this friends, I HATE the devil.  He seems to want to devour me and my precious children.   It’s getting hard to take.  Just when I started feeling connected to the Lord again today, I turned on my computer to write on this blog.  I was going to praise God at that time.  As soon as my fingers hit the keyboard, my power went out.  Our electricity was shut off.  I owed $436.  Frightful times….

I am going to be writing a lot more in the coming days.  This is going to be an interesting ride but I invited you all along a while back.  God is going to move in my life.  I just don’t know how right now and I am overcome with grief and fear.  Please pray for me and my two children as we walk through this horrifically perilous time.  I’m running out of tricks, friends.  I’m getting older and I’m running out tricks.  As a matter of fact, this is how I feel (dramatic, but true nonetheless):

I love you all and will be writing again soon.  Sufficed to say, you are loved.  The very fact that you are reading this right now, wherever you are…humbles me in unspeakable ways.  If you only knew how much YOU keep me going!

The Light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it. (John 1:5).  I can’t understand it right now either…

All my love,

Ava

“It Was Then That I Dragged You”: Footprints, Ava Style!

Standard

I saw this cartoon on Facebook earlier today.  I cannot tell you how much it made me laugh!  In all seriousness though, I wonder what God goes through with me on a daily basis?  Do I wear him clean out from having to “drag” me down the road of life? 

Things are still tough right now.  Mind you, I never ask God things like, “Why are you punishing me, Lord.”  I honestly don’t think He is.  I firmly believe that He doesn’t operate that way.  Nothing could convince me otherwise. 

I wonder how many of you have read, “The Shack“, by William P. Young.  If you haven’t read it, you should definitely pick it up.  It’s one of the best books I’ve ever read in my life. 

I think that the book has been controversial amongst some Christians.  IT SHOULDN’T BE!  It is a fiction book, plain and simple.  In short, it’s about a man who experiences something so devastatingly tragic that, as a mother, I can hardly stand to think about it. 

It reminds me of the lyrics of Natalie Grant’s song, “Held”…  She sings:

Who told us we’d be rescued?  What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?  We’re asking why this happened to us to who have died to live.  It’s unfair.”   Then she begins singing the chorus, “This is what it means to be held, how it feels when the sacred it torn from your life..and you survive.  This is what it is to be loved, and to know that the promise was when everything feel…we’d be held.”

So let’s just say that the main character in the book is certainly held by God.  As a matter of fact, he has an encounter with the Trinity that is so aweinspiringly intense that it leaves the reader to wonder if the author of the book has some Divine insight into the mind of God that we don’t have.  Yes, this fiction book is so brilliantly written that it leaves the reader truly wondering if it is fiction or not.  The author personifies the Trinity with three, unsuspecting characters that, for me, demonstrate the magnanimous, overwhelming love that the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit burn with for us. 

Again, it’s a fictitious work!  Mind you, the author never postulates having all the answers to the mystery of Godliness.  However, as a writer, I can appreciate a brilliant mind when stumble across a work like this.  And I will go on record to say that I think the plot is nothing short of brilliant.  The fact that one, little, human mind could conceive of such a story completely baffles me. 

I love this book because it veers away from the legalistic, Pharisaic views of some Christians that I have known (who have damaged my faith at times) and dares to attempt to explain the Agape love that the Lord has for us.  If you’ve read it you’ll know what I’m talking about.  If you haven’t read it, I urge you to. 

I also love this book because, even though it isn’t real, it drew me in closer to the precious heart of our God.  It is wonderous and full of imagination.  It helped solidify for me that God IS Abba…or, my Daddy. 

That being said, I once again would like to state that God is certainly not punishing me.  Rather, Ava Elizabeth Wisdom is just living out the consequences of many years of bad decisions.  You see, I recognize that God didn’t create His Word, His laws, or His commandments to be a buzz-kill or to rain on my lonely, little parade.  Rather, God gave me…and you rules so that He could merely protect us from ourselves. 

Again, I am reminded of another song.  In Tim McGraw song, “Grown Men Don’t Cry” he sings:

I pulled into the shopping center
And saw a little boy wrapped around the legs of his mother…
like ice cream melting they embraced
Years of bad decisions runnin’ down her face.
All mornin’ I’d been thinkin’ my life’s so hard…
they wore everything they own, livin’ in a car.
I wanted to tell ’em it would be ok
But I got just got in my suburban and I drove away…

You see, this is how I feel right now.  Except, I feel like a mother with TWO little boys wrapped around my legs.  And yes, every tear I cry represents the years of bad decisions that I’ve made.  Oh, how I don’t want my children to live in the wake of consequences that were meant for me.  I can take a smack-down pretty well…but this is getting too real, people.  As it stands, I don’t know how I’m going to buy them the much-needed school clothes that they need to start school this year.

I’m not having a pity party for myself over here; the pity party is for my two boys.  I wasted years of my life being a stripper and avoiding things in life that were uncomfortable for me.  I wanted the easy way back when I was younger and now I’m getting old and I fear I’ve run out of tricks.  I’m just so tired.  I want my boys to have the lives they deserve.  I chose them, for sure…but they didn’t get to choose me. 

Oh, if you had any idea how much I love my boys.  I’d die for them in a heartbeat.  I honestly would.  They are the reason I draw breath.  They are perfect gifts from God.  I just don’t want my babies to suffer for the lousy mistakes I’ve made in life.  And I am just overwhelmed with the feeling that ALL my mistakes are catching up to me right now.

Psalm 37 says, “I have never seen a righteous man forsaken, or his children begging bread.  That might bring me comfort…if I thought for one cotton-pickin’ second that I might actually be righteous.

Nevertheless, I know that God remembers the widow and the orphan.  And I have been told that the single mother is the modern-day widow.  I suppose the same applies for single daddy’s too.  He showed me this verse earlier in the year.  I may have already written about it, but I don’t care.  I’m going to write about it again.

From the book of Isaiah, in chapter 54…  God showed me this:

“For the Lord has called you like a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit-

Like a youthful wife, when you were refused”, says your God.

“For a mere moment I have forsaken you,

But with great mercies I will gather you.

With a little wrath I hid my face from you for a moment:

But with everlasting kindness I will have mercy on you”, says the Lord, your Redeemer.

“So have I sworn that I would not be angry with you, nor rebuke you.

For the mountains shall depart and the hills be removed,

But my kindness shall not depart from you,

Nor shall my covenant of peace be removed”, says the Lord who has mercy on you.

“Oh, you afflicted one, tossed with tempest and not comforted,

Behold, I will lay your foundations with sapphires.

I will make your pinnacles of rubies, your gates of crystal,

And all your walls of precious stones…

ALL OF YOUR CHILDREN SHALL BE TAUGHT BY THE LORD,

AND GREAT SHALL BE THE PEACE OF YOUR CHILDREN.

In righteousness you shall be established;

You shall be far from oppression, for you shall not fear;

And from terror, for it shall not come near you.

Indeed they shall surely assemble, but not because of Me.

Whoever assembles against you shall fall for your sake.”

In that truly wonderous piece of scripture I feel like God is telling me that He knows that I have been rejected and forsaken.  He acknowledges my grief and sorrow and tells me that He isn’t going to leave me.  He tells me that, although I may not feel righteous, that He’s going to make me righteous… And above all, He assures me that my children will be taught by Him and that they will have great peace!  I PRAISE Him for that!

Honestly, I feel like that piece of scripture was written for no one else but me.  But that’s how God works.  And that’s how the Holy Spirit speaks.  I love that about our God…

You know, I think I was actually writing tonight so that I could bitch and complain about my circumstances.  Oddly, I don’t feel the need to do that now.  Writing is cathartic and just thinking about the Lord and being in His Word has given me some respite.  What’s more, I love all of you, my readers so very much!  I certainly don’t want to weigh you down with my burdens or my grumblings.   Just know that God loves me through you.  I am very fond of you all in the WordPress community.  And I sure am thankful for you too…

As I end tonight, I want to leave you with a photo of my Jonah and my little dog, Poppy.  Both have fallen asleep under my desk as I’ve been writing.  They look pretty dang peaceful.  Maybe I’m not the worst mom in the world after all! 

 

All my love,

Ava

PS…Please PRAY for my little family…I promise I will pray for you.  If you have specific prayer requests, I ask that you send them to me!  xoxoxoxoxoxo

ALL IN: Betting on God to Break a Gambling Stronghold

Standard

Hello my Beloved friends!  It’s been quite some time since I’ve written.  So much has been happening and I have, quite honestly, been overwhelmed… and depressed.  I hate to complain…but I’ve discovered that there is some sort of inexplicable, healing bond that I share with my friends in the WordPress community.  Honestly, if you all could only fathom how much you mean to me.  

I sincerely love you people…and I know that you love me too because I can feel your love.  God can connect us to others in a plethora of ways.  I knew that.  What I didn’t know is that He can connect us with complete strangers, world-wide, via the darn Internet!  He never ceases to amaze me and I praise Him for the gift of your love and friendship.

As I mentioned before, I am now working (again) for a major airline.  It’s been hard and I have no idea how I am going to make it financially.  I have retained a bankruptcy attorney.  But, I should state, “I firmly believe in miracles.”  Further, I should state that it is going to take nothing short of a miracle to get me out of the depth of my financial ruin.  A little while ago I made my first call to a place that helps low-income people like myself pay their utilities.  My water was shut off and I need exactly $543.20 to turn it back on.  I am admittedly afraid and I feel like a loser.  I have always been able to give.  Now I am in a place where I can only receive and my pride has taken a hit. 

I could go on an on but what I really wanted to share with you and ask you to pray about is a situation with my boyfriend.  Our relationship has been painful to say the least.  There’s no denying that.  But something keeps me holding on to him.  I have prayed emphatically and asked the Lord to take the feelings of love that I have for my him away if He doesn’t will for us to be together.  To date, he has not.

Interestingly, my boyfriend’s mother is a minister.  She has written a book and operates a large outreach ministry that feeds the poor.  She loves the Lord more than anything you can imagine.  However, she enables my boyfriend.  And when I try to talk to her about “anything” regarding her son she flat-out ignores me or says something like, “I’m not going to get involved.”  Her ministry is also aimed at helping women who are hurting and suffering, particularly at the hands of domestic abuse.  She was abused throughout several of her marriages.  Of course, all the abuse ceased in her marriage to my boyfriend’s dad when she SHOT HIM.  Oh yes, you heard me right.  She “popped a cap in his ass“.  He was walking out the door to go and see one of his women (he had many affairs and left her alone most of the time with 5 children).  She decided she would not be left again and she shot him.  He didn’t die but the bullet still remains in his body today.

My boyfriend’s father, on the other hand, was a wealthy oil and gas tycoon.  I recently met him.  Let’s just say that he is no longer a rich business man.  Ummm…he’s a compulsive gambler.  He “lives” in casinos and gambles for a living.  For whatever reason my boyfriend, although he won’t admit it, worships his dad.  He told me recently that his dad has never told him that he loves him.  He also told me that there was only one time in his life that his father had ever been proud of him.  It was when he won a poker tournament.  Long story short, my boyfriend has developed one of the worst addictions to gambling that I have ever seen.  He lived in hotel casinos for over 3 years until he came to be with me.  He left his truck and his motorcycle in storage in a casino town right outside of Vegas and had been deeply upset about not having his things accessible to him.

With that, at the end of June, my boyfriend bought a one-way ticket back to the town where his “stuff” is.  This is the same town that his father “lives” in.  His intent was to get his truck and his chopper and drive back to Texas.  He has been there for 7 weeks, emulating his father’s lifestyle, gambling non-stop, and living in comped, casino hotels.  And sufficed to say, I have never witnessed him being as down and as hopeless as he is nowadays.  He is admittedly miserable and is quickly losing hope.  He feels that he is literally trapped in the hell hole he’s in.  

Recently he quit answering my calls and texts.  I panicked and boarded a plane to Las Vegas last Saturday morning.  I didn’t even tell him I was coming.  Once I got to Vegas I rented a car and drove about 100 miles to where he is now.  I just knew he was with another woman.  But, I thought to myself, “Why does he continue to profess his love for me?” and “WHY won’t he just let me go?”  Whatever was going on I “had” to see with my own eyes.  I have a hard time saying goodbye to others, particularly to him.  I love him so much.

So I just “showed up”.  I did.  And believe it or not, ALL my suspicions were put to rest.  He’s not with another woman.  And trust me, I did some detective work around the local casinos before he even knew I had arrived.  He loves me emphatically.  He just has one of the worst gambling addictions that I’ve ever witnessed.  Essentially, he is stranded there until he gets approximately $800 for gas money to drive home.  He doesn’t have it, and he’s never going to have it as long as he passes a poker table or a slot machine on his way out of the door.  My heart aches for him.

The last night I was there he had been drinking quite a bit.  This tough, stoic, bad-boy of a man was in tears begging me not to leave him there.  But I had to go.  What’s more, he expressed that he no longer had the will to live.  He was giving me his things and telling me that he would be my guardian angel.  He told me to be strong and take good care of the boys and that I would find a wonderful man someday.  He expressed absolute disgust with himself and told me that he was a bum.  He loves me.  He loves the boys.  However, he thinks that he has nothing to offer to us.  If he only knew that his love is enough.

I’ve been with this man for the better part of a year and have known him for almost 20 years.  I can honestly say that he has never let me into the depths of his heart like he did this last weekend.  I know him on a whole different level now and I am willing to walk through fire with him to get him to where he needs to be.  Of course, I can’t rescue him.  What I can do though is pray for him emphatically and without ceasing.

In his mother’s book she stated that God told her that her son would someday do amazing things for the Kingdom of God and that he would be a “mighty man of valor”.  He loves the Lord and has so many special gifts.  I think he actually borders on being a true genius.  No lie.  I am intrigued by his brain.

After his father’s departure and his older brother’s suicide when he was a teen he has been battling many demons.  And I believe that the more you are a threat to the Kingdom of Darkness the more you will be attacked by the Enemy in a ploy to keep you from achieving your maximum potential in Christ.

But friend, we know that nothing is impossible with Jesus.  He already has the answer and solution to my boyfriend’s problems.  My human mind can’t fathom what the solution could possibly be but God can supersede anything that I could possibly dream up.

I feel very angry though.  I feel angry with Satan.  He’s a piece of shit.  I hate him.  It’s one thing to attack me, but whehe attacks people who I love…that’s a whole different story. 

Friends, I am humbly asking you to please pray for my boyfriend.  Please pray against a spirit of depression and suicide.  Please pray that the chains of gambling that have him bound will be loosed in Jesus’s name.  Please pray for God’s Divine protection and that His will will be done in the life of the one I love.  Please pray anyway you can.  You can pray in a house, your can pray with a mouse.  You in pray on a plane, you can pray on a train.  You can pray with a fox, you can pray in a box.  I think you get the point…or shall I throw more Dr. Seuss rhymes at you to gain your full attention?

I’ll tell you something, I believe in the power of prayer.  It never ceases to amaze me that we will try so hard to carry our own burdens sometimes without soliciting help from God.  I mean, God is the Creator of the universe.  He “made” the stars that I love so much and He actually knows each one by name.  We have DIRECT access to him but yet we forfeit our lifelines sometimes in order to carry our burdens all alone.  I’ll tell you what… My burdens are so heavy that I am becoming physically sick.  I want to get out of the way and allow God to work in my life.  After all, he’s right there, 24/7 to help me…and YOU with our EVERY need.

So again, I am soliciting my prayer warriors.  I hate to mention my man’s name but in my heart, I would really appreciate you praying for him by name.  His name is Howard.

Friends I think this is a very deep, generational battle that’s going on for his soul.  He is a perfect, hybrid mix of his mother and his father.  His soul is in anguish and he need deliverance now.  Recently I prayed so hard for him that I fainted; this is how serious I think this battle between darkness and Light where Howard’s soul is concerned is at the present time.  

Please help me.  We need miracles…  Even if Howard weren’t my boyfriend, he is still a child of God.  We are all brothers and sisters in Christ.  Please pray for your brother.

And tell me, where do you need bold prayer in your life?  What are you holding on to that is putting a wedge between you and your loving Father?  Please feel free to share it with me and I will pray with full authority in Christ.

I want you all to know that I really do love you.  You really do matter to me…  Keep your eyes fixed on Jesus, friend.  He is our only hope in times like these.

All my love,

Ava

I CHOOSE to Praise Him…In Spite of My Circumstances!

Standard

PRAISING GOD THROUGH THIS STORM

I love the above video.  In the song, “Shackles”, Mary Mary boldly sings, “Take the Shackles off my feet so I can dance.  I just wanna praise Ya!” and sings things like, “I’m gonna praise You through my circumstance!”  

It’s been a while since I’ve written.  There’s a definite reason for that.  I guess there’s no better way to say it, “I’ve been in a dark place“.  I wish I had the strength to shake some of this stuff off, but I don’t.  Sometimes major life circumstances get us down.  However, one thing we can do is to CONTINUOUSLY praise the Lord for the blessings that He has given to us.  Our flesh has a tendency to focus wholly on the things that are going wrong and on the hurt and sorrow our hearts feel.  Beloved, this is just want the Enemy wants us to do!  But we can make a conscious choice to praise God through our darkness, heartaches, and through our times of fearful uncertainty!  And be advised, when we praise God through our adversity, we confuse the hell (pardon the pun) out of the Enemy!

I just found out last week that my beautiful home is in foreclosure.  This is the first home the boys and I have ever owned.  We built it approximately 4 years ago.  I picked out everything in it, down to the color of the grout for my ceramic tile.  It’s my sanctuary.  More than that, it’s my children’s sanctuary.  We also had a roommate move in last week.  I moved Jonah, my little one out of his bedroom and gave that room to my new roommate.  Jonah and I are now sharing a room.  Each time I come home and press the button on my garage door opener, Jonah and I are faced with a garage full of all his things.  This breaks my heart…but not Jonah’s!  God has done something in his little spirit and he actually feels excited about the whole thing!  Jonah, who is just 7, chose to trust in the Lord and praise Him through all of this change.  If my baby can do this, so can I and so can you!  

The bank won’t take my payments anymore, so we are just going to save up what we would normally pay toward the mortgage.  And, I have an appointment on Wednesday with a bankruptcy attorney.  Through all this, I realized that home is where my babies and I are.  Shoot, we could move from luxury into a trailer park home and I know we’d be OK.  It would hurt us, and it would be an inconvenience, but the Devil will not steal my joy nor will He put a wedge between me and the Lord!

I have thought a million times about going back to work in a strip club.  And don’t think that even prostitution hasn’t crossed my mind either.  I have made a living on my looks in the past, but I refuse to do it now!  I want God to bless my efforts!  Further, I want others to see that, while I am suffering, I can still shine the light of Christ!  I choose to praise Him!  My water was shut off a while back and I have warrants for my arrests because of traffic tickets I can’t pay, but I choose to praise Him!  

My boyfriend has been away from me since mid-June and has been living back in Las Vegas.  He is living in hotels and gambling incessantly; he’s constantly drunk and I know he’s even been doing drugs.  He assures me how much he loves me but yet hasn’t taken my calls or responded to my texts in days.  He could very well be with another woman and my heart aches from the pain of the loneliness, rejection, and constant abuse…but friend, I choose to PRAISE the Lord anyway!!!  After all, he is the only One who can deliver me from this cesspool of drama.

I’ve got to get out of this utterly painful relationship but I guess there’s an intrinsic yearning that I have inside of me to be loved by a man.  I feel SO bitter that other people have husbands and I don’t!  I want a companion to love and to be loved by!  I want to have someone to split the bills with!  I want a male role model for Jeremiah and Jonah!  And for GOODNESS sakes, I want to be able to get laid every day and it be an act of worship unto the Lord…rather than a sin I commit inside my own body!  I know that last one didn’t sound too Godly… But hey, I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t have that edge!!! Please pray for me.  Please pray that God and only God, and only God will fill every deep desire of my heart.  Obsessing over my boyfriend feels like idolatry to me.  I don’t want anything to come before God!  

Speaking of that, I am reminded of one of Beth Moore’s sermons (I adore her).  She asked the question that Jesus asked of his disciples: “What is it that you WANT?”  Really, what is it that you really, really want that you perceive that you don’t have?  What is it that your heart yearns for?  “That“, she said, “is the point of spiritual warfare in your life!”  And oh, how right she is!  Let us not live from a cycle of lack!  When we do we give the Devil a powerful foothold and it greatly affects our relationship with our Father!

So, what it is that you want?  What do you think is the point of warfare in your life?  Where are you leaving an open door for the Enemy to attack you?  Pray for God to strengthen you in that area, and don’t forget to praise Him through the storms life.  I’ve never felt more blessed in my life when everything seemed to be falling apart and I praised Him through it anyway.  I hope you’ll do the same.  He will never leave us or forsake us.  I know this, and I hope your heart can internalize it too!

Before I end, I wonder how I can pray for you?  If you have any prayer requests, please share them with me.  I having been praying harder than ever lately, and I’d love for you to be able to get in on some of the action!

God bless you, Beloved.  Keep your eyes fixed on the Cross.  Trust me, If “I” can do it, I know you can to!

ALL my love,

Ava

Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award!

Standard

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another —and all the more as you see the Day approaching. Hebrews 10:24-25

I am BEYOND delighted to report to you that my sweet sister in Christ, Miss Arlene, author of a wonderful blog titled “Armoured Up,” has nominated me for my very first blog award!  The nomination is in and of itself a tremendous honor.  However, it honors me and humbles me more to know that it came from my sweet Arlene.

Arlene and I have never met in person, we actually met via the WordPress community.  Regardless of me having not have ever been in her physical presence, I can tell you that she lives in my heart.  Arlene somehow stumbled across my blog a while ago and has been encouraging me and praying for me and the boys ever since.  Hence, the scripture reference above…

Arlene has been a vessel for the Lord in my life, and for me it re-solidifies how abundantly important the “BODY” of Christ is.  We truly need to be in constant fellowship with other believers and encourage one another as well.  Arlene is my sister.  And like I told her recently, I absolutely regale in the fact that we WILL spend eternity together!

And mind you, I believe the BEST gift that anyone can give is the gift of prayer.  It just so happens that Arlene is a bold, lioness of a prayer WARRIOR!  God has blessed me so much through her friendship.  I encourage you to check out her blog.  Further, I encourage you to drop her a line and get to know her.  She’s too precious to keep to myself!  You can find Arlene’s blog at:

armouredup.wordpress.com

Now to receive this award, you must do the following:

1) Reference the person who nominated you for the award.

2)Write seven facts about yourself.

3) Nominate 7 other ladies and pass along links to their blog.

7 Random Facts About Me:

1) My grandmother was the most Godly precious woman.  She was like a mother to me and I sometimes think she was an angel!

2) Since I was a child I have had a fixation with eating ice, particularly when I go to bed; my teeth have not suffered for it.

3) I hate doing laundry.  I don’t mind actually putting it in the washing machine, but putting it away overwhelms me (especially socks).

4) I thoroughly enjoy inserting Qtips into my ears!  I clean my ears out about 5 times a day and refer to the pleasure I experience as an “eargasm“.

5) I wanted to be a pilot since I was seven years old until I was called into teaching at the age of 28.

6) I drink Diet Cokes like I should drink water.  I’m addicted to them…which is kind of gross and unhealthy!

7) I have a hard time saying goodbye to anybody, good or bad, especially in my romantic relationships.  I can’t bear the thought of never seeing the person again.  But I do recognize that God puts people in our lives for seasons (sometimes).  I am really working on this.

And alas, the ladies blogs I am nominating for The Sisterhood of World Bloggers Award: 

1) birdmartin.wordpress.com

2) myjourneymyrules.wordpress.com

3) werclassly.wordpress.com

4) momandboy.wordpress.com

5) withoutababe.wordpress.com

6) mommasunshine.wordpress.com

7) sessica.com

I sincerely hope you have time to check out the blogs that are listed above!  We are a family here, after all!

All my love,

Ava

On Hungry Birds and Guided Missiles…

Standard

“Mom, we don’t have anything to eat.”

“Mom, I’m hungry.”

“Mom, can you go to Sonic?”

“Mom, what’s for dinner?”

“Mom, when are you going to the grocery store?”

Jeremiah & Jonah

The photo above is quite befitting as I picture Jeremiah on the left; he needs a haircut so bad.  We had an appointment this evening but I checked my banking account and learned that the $1.50 Diet Coke that I swiped my card for at work overdrew my damn account.  Ugh!  When will it end?  No gas, no groceries, bills coming at me from every angle…  It’s hard living this way.  Sufficed to say, I am terrified.

I’m not teaching anymore…at least for a while.  I have gone back to work for a major airline.  Since September 11th, we have taken a huge hit, so it’s been almost impossible to get back on with the company as they simply have not been hiring.  I was extremely happy there when I worked there 12 years ago, so I was thrilled to see a job opening and therefore applied for it immediately.  

I prayed about teaching, which had been a huge source of stress for me for a plethora of reasons.  I had been so anxious and had no peace in my heart whatsoever.  I prayed and “totally” put the situation at the foot of the cross.  You can surrender to Christ with your mouth…saying it is one thing; but I surrendered to Christ with my soul–every ounce of it.  When I did He gave me an inexplicable peace–a peace I hadn’t felt in a long time–and miraculously, doors started to open and doors that needed to be closed, became closed.

Ideally, I’d like to get into teaching at the airline I work for and possibly be involved in curriculum and development.  It’s a faith walk right now though.  I am just going where God leads me.  Still I am afraid.  

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, “I do not want my children to suffer for bad choices that I have made in the past.”  A while back a passage of scripture popped out at me from the 54th chapter of Isaiah:

For the Lord has called you like a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit,

Like a youthful wife when you were refused.

For a mere moment I have forsaken you, but with great mercies I will gather you.

With a little wrath I hid My face from you for a moment;

But with everlasting kindness I will have mercy on you.

This is like the waters of Noah to me; 

For as I have sworn that the waters of Noah would no long cover the earth,

So I have sworn that I will not be angry with you, nor rebuke you.

For the mountains shall depart and the hills be removed,

But My kindness shall not depart from you.

Nor shall My covenant of peace be removed.

O you afflicted one, tossed with the tempest and not comforted,

Behold I will lay your stones with colorful gems,

And lay your foundations with sapphires.

I will make your pinnacles of rubies, your gates of crystal,

And your walls of precious stones.

All your children shall be taught by the Lord,

And great shall be the peace of your children.

In righteousness you shall be established;

You shall be far from oppression, for you shall not fear;

And from terror, for it shall not come near you.

Indeed they shall surely assemble, but not of Me.

Whoever assembles against you shall fall for your sake.

Could that verse speak to my circumstances more?  I was astounded when I found that!  It’s like it was written just for me!  But that’s how the Word of God works!  

 With that, I’d like to think of my children like this, not like the picture above: 

 The psalmist tells us in Psalm 37 that he has never seen the righteous forsaken nor his children begging bread.  I know my kids are protected under the mighty wing of God (and praise the Lord they love Ramen noodles).  We’ll be alright because we are God’s children and He loves us in unfathomable ways.  And friend, YOU are His child too.  Whatever it is you are walking through, He’s gone before you.  Trust that.

And if you aren’t a Christian, it’s really easy to become one.  All you do is pray to your Father and tell Him that you believe in Him.  Tell Him that you simply cannot do it without Him.  Tell the Lord Jesus that you believe that He is the Son of God and invite Him to occupy your heart.  Admit that you’re a sinner and ask God to forgive you and wipe the slate clean.  He will, beloved.  He will wash you as white as snow.  

And don’t let any kind of sin that you are currently walking in prevent you from coming to Christ.  Come now.  He is gentle and patient and will clean you up little by little.  If you have a particular sin that you’re struggling to let go of he will slowly begin to change your heart so that you will want to break free from whatever bondage that you’re living in.  

I heard a story on the radio the other day that I thought was really cool.  It said that “guided” missiles aren’t “guided” toward their destination until after they’re launched.  

They have no destination until after they leave the launch pad.  Think of Jesus as the launcher, and yourself as the missile.  Baby, just GET LAUNCHED.  Get to the launchpad and GET LAUNCHED!  Once you invite Him to be your boss, He will fill you with love and acceptance.  He will then guide you toward your destination.

I think one of the biggest lies that Satan tells us that we’re too much of a mess to come to God NOW.  Don’t wait for the right time, friend.  We are all sinners and so it may never feel like the right time.  The time is now.  

And remember, Jesus himself didn’t run around with a bunch of people who had it all together.  He ran with whores, thieves, tax collectors, etc.  The great Apostle Paul was a murdered who murdered and persecuted slews of Christians before He surrendered His life to the Lord, and look who He became.

And look, I don’t know most of you.  So ask yourself this: “What does she have to gain by telling me this?  What is her agenda?”  I have nothing to gain and no agenda.  But if I don’t know you now, I’ll know you when we get to Heaven.  Because, if you accept Jesus, that’s exactly where you’ll be spending eternity.

I have been to the bottom of hell and back.  I could never deny the Lord.  I’ve felt his presence when everything else had been stripped away.  I am scared beyond measure at this time in my life, but the hope I have in Him carries me through.  Beloved, I can’t keep this love to myself.  It’s your too… All you have to do is ask.  If there is anything you need–prayer or otherwise–call on me.  I’m here for you, and so is God.

And friends, please pray for me and my precious kids.  We need a miracle right now…  

All my love,

Ava

A Faithful, Funny Family of Frazzled but Fortuitous Felines!

Standard

“Mom, our family is like a cat.  We always land on our feet.” -Jonah, age 7

I often find that God speaks to us and gives us encouragement through people.  This always amazes me but when I comes from the mouth of  a child it simply knocks me off my feet!  Children are so innocent and untainted and therefore  provide us with a powerful connection to the heart of God.

Times are quite rough and uncertain for my little family and I at the present moment.  I have been overcome with fear in regards to our financial future as of late but am choosing to continue walking in absolute blind faith, knowing that God has never let me down before and that He surely isn’t going to do it now.

Today, out of the blue and completely unaware of our circumstances, Jonah crawled up next to me and said, “Mom, our family is like a cat.  We always land on our feet.”  Mind you, Jonah is just seven years old.  Most seven-year old children that I know don’t speak in clichés.  And if they do, I certainly don’t think they understand them.

But Jonah knew exactly what he was saying and I believe that my baby was simply acting as a vessel for the Lord.  It’s true, we do always land on our feet.  Why did it take a seven-year old child to remind me of this?

There is nothing more precious on this earth to me than my children.  I don’t want them to suffer for mistakes that I have made.  But God loves them as much as He loves me…and you.  God cannot withhold His love from us because He “is” love.  

Yes, we are like cats!  Though though our future is uncertain, we will prevail in the precious name of Jesus.  We always do.  We serve a Mighty God.  We are His beloved children and He is Abba , our Daddy.

Today I pray that you hear the voice of God and that you choose to let Him walk you through whatever it is that you feel you cannot do alone.  Friend, He is faithful…and quite adventuresome too!  Invite Him to be your Captain, and not your co-pilot.  He will take you to new heights and exceed your wildest expectations. 

All my love,

Ava

Oh Shiney!

Standard

This is a post from a “dear” friend of mine. It touched my heart and I know it will touch yours too…

Rick Mauderer

In order for a glow stick to shine it must be broken on the inside.

There are some things in life I’d just as soon not know. Knowing it just hurts  I have friends who know this fact even more than me.  I guarantee they would just as soon not know.  But knowing makes you all the deeper, all the more real, all the more able to be used, all the more stronger.  I bring three pieces of evidence to the courtroom of the public opinion today:

1) Shari Smith.  2 days before her high school graduation, her father, the pastor of the church in their town, was looking out of the window of his study  as his daughter drove up their driveway, get out of the car and check the mail.  He went back to studying.  A few moments later, he looked up again to see her car still in the driveway with the door open, and…

View original post 1,426 more words

Aside

You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. –Genesis 50:20

I received a message from a long, lost friend via Facebook.  My friend is someone who I have known since 1998.  God bless her soul, she has struggled with severe mental health issues for as long as I’ve known her.  Her suicide attempts have been far too great in number as have her hospitalizations.  When my precious mother, who is pictured above, took her own life in August of 2001, my dear friend was constantly and unselfishly by my side.  She was even by my side when others had gone.  As a matter of fact, I remember my friend being in the house alone with me after my mom had passed there; we were cleaning things out and preparing for an estate sale.  I know she was traumatized by the event, but still–she remained by my side.  Of course, she was at the viewing and the funeral.  It was a simply tragic and devastating time for us all.  And to boot, my mother loved my friend very much and always expressed to me how she was so incredibly worried about her.

 

So last night, out of the blue, my friend contacts me and wrote the following:

 

“Just wanted to let you know, in case you ever wonder what the purpose of your mother’s death was, her committing suicide saved my life. Once I saw what it does to those left behind, I knew I couldn’t do that to people I cared about. This is something I’ve been wanting to tell you, but I wasn’t sure that you would want to hear it.”

 

When I received the message I had been quite depressed and was not in a healthy place emotionally due to other life circumstances.  However, receiving this message made me feel like the Hand of God had just come down and touched me.  What’s more, I can testify that my mother saved my life as well.  

 

I had been a stripper, addicted to cocaine but had just started back to school full-time, as a single parent.  After the death of my mother, I told myself that I could go one of two ways.  I could have tried to mask the pain with drugs and alcohol and  risked losing my soul completely.  Or, I could honor her in her death.  

 

I was an incredibly at risk teen, therefore I don’t know how I even managed to graduate high school.  However, after she passed I was enrolled in college a week and a half later.  I became President of my Honor’s Society that semester and began writing for my school’s newspaper publication.  I was a National Science Foundation Scholar and studied with the Honor’s college abroad in Greece.  I could have never accomplished such things without the inspiration of my darling mother.  

 

So the point is, that what Satan wills for harm and disaster, God wills for good.  He was glorified even in the depths of my own personal hell.  I will praise Him all the days of my life.  

 

My mother served and inspired so many while she was living, and it warms my heart to know that the ripple effect continues on.  She died believing she was a failure, but in reality she left a legacy of people who are better today just for having known her.  God only knows where her beautiful influence will stop.  I’m proud of my mother.  I dream about her incessantly.  Sometimes God doesn’t allow us to know why we have to experience such agonizing pain in life; but sometimes He does.  He did in this case.  Love never dies…it just grows stronger.  Those who have gone before us become interwoven into the tapestries of our souls.  Keep praising the Lord.  Praise Him through the rain.

 

All my love,

Ava

God Uses EVERYTHING For His Glory–Even Suicide.

Love is a Gamble…

Image


“To love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give oneself completely in the hope that our love will produce hope in the loved person.  Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love.”  

-Eric Fromm

In essence, love is a gamble.  I decided that it’s like the lottery.  If you don’t play you simply cannot win.  The problem is that I’m almost 40…and to date, I have not won.  

I knew that the relationship that I have been in was astonishingly toxic, but this evening I learned that I am completely and indescribably disposable to this man.  I recently loaned him a sizable amount of money.  I know, I know…how pitifully stupid of me.  Another codependent attempt to help someone I thought I loved.  My intentions were wholly pure.  But why do I keep falling in love with unlovable men?

I recently lost my job.  The new job that I have taken will reduce my pay by $30,000 per year.  I made this loan in good faith, feeling (somewhat) confident that he would honor me by paying it back.  After all, he was the one who solicited me for the money.  The loan was one of those white-trash payday loans that will incur 30 percent interest every two weeks until the principle is paid in full.  I feel sick.  My financial situation is already bleak…and logically it’s about to get much worse.  I need a miracle…and a roommate!

I love the quote by Rollo May that says, “The opposite of love is not hate; apathy is.”  Indeed my friends…indeed.  This man grew completely cold and apathetic in regards to me after I loaned him the money.  I haven’t seen him since and might be lucky if I received one or two texts a day.   He insisted last night that, “a text is the same as a phone call.”  Really?  

Tonight I merely asked if he planned to pay anything toward the principal, as tomorrow is the deadline.  He said things like, “Fuck off, loser.”  and “fucking fly“.  The beauty of the situation is that I do not love him anymore.  After all, if I were to label something like this “love” I would expect to be immediately placed in a straight jacket and tossed into a padded room.  I may be dysfunctional, but I know what love is.  This certainly isn’t it.  Love isn’t supposed to hurt.

One thing I do know though is that, in spite of my recent spiritual disconnect, God loves me.  As a matter of fact, His love is all the love I need…  I want God to be my husband.  However, those words are easy to say, but hard to really internalize enough to make my heart cry out for and accept His all-consuming love.  I have often times cursed God simply because He is invisible.  Faith take a lot of work, and this woman here has been longing for a pair of tangible arms to hold her for as long as I can remember.

My life circumstances tell me that I am rejected, abandoned, and that I should just go ahead and succumb to this feeling of impending doom.  Praise God for the following scripture:

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord, Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ.  For he CHOSE us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight.  In love He PREDESTINED us to be ADOPTED as his sons through Christ Jesus, in accordance with His PLEASURE AND HIS WILL–to the praise of his glorious grace, which He has freely given us in the One He loves.  In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us with ALL wisdom and understanding.  -Ephesians 1:3-8

Now that is good stuff!  He adopted you and me!  He CHOSE us…before He even created the world.  He created us not just because he wanted to, but also for his pleasure.  And the part about His Grace… He LAVISHED it upon us with ALL his wisdom and ALL of His understanding.  I imagine God’s wisdom and understanding to be pretty intense.  It’s true that our human minds cannot comprehend a love so great.  So if He chose us…before the beginning of time, with ALL his will, pleasure, and understanding that means that He knew exactly what He was getting Himself into.  

He knew about our sins, our flaws, our bad, habits, and our insecurities.  He knew we would be beautiful, but beautiful messes, indeed.  AND HE DID IT ANYWAY!

So when a loathsome, abusive, spineless man comes along and tries to steal my joy (and my money)… I will remind myself that Jesus suffered died on a cross for me…and for YOU.  

True love will never come in human form.  I have to keep reminding myself of this.  No man can be all things to all people…just our Beloved Savior.  Let’s allow Him to be ENOUGH.

Blessings,

Ava