Away Too Long

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ASHAMED.  GUILTY.  REGRETFUL.  FOOLISH.  LOST.  EXHAUSTED.

Well, here I am.  I’m back.  I wonder if you remember your ol’ pal Ava?  It’s only been 262 days since my last post.  I guess you could say that I’ve been a bit distracted and preoccupied since I last wrote.  Okay… Maybe obsessed and consumed are better ways to describe why I’ve abandoned my beloved WordPress family.  I doubt you guys even noticed I was gone, but in truth, I have really missed connecting with you as you mean more to me than you may ever know. 

Folks, I love writing more than you can imagine.  I sometimes struggle, more than I’d like, with devastating feelings of  inferiority and am, beyond the shadow of a doubt, my own worst critic, so it’s significant when I tell you that writing is something that I know I do well.  I know that it’s a gift that God lovingly bestowed upon me and I feel so connected to Him and wholly alive when I write.  So naturally, I don’t do it like I should or want to.  I mean, I am codependent after all and am typically consumed with fixing and serving maladaptive people and simply don’t nurture the things that are edifying to “me”.  I am self-sabotaging and sometimes downright self-destructive,  so it stands to reason that I am not going to do anything that would build me up, right? 

Now, you all know, if you know me at all that brevity is not a strength I possess.  I am too wordy.  I don’t know when to shut up.  I am uncomfortable with awkward silences and feel the need to fill the void with verbal vomit.  Admittedly, my posts are usually way too long.  This one won’t be too bad, so fear not.   Just know that I am having a hard time finishing anything I start as of late.  I feel that I just “need” to submit one post, connect with you, and get myself back into the habit.  It’s imperative.  This is becaus, there are people in my life who–despite my best efforts–did not get the memo about my awesomeness.  My Dad is one such person.  There is nothing that I will ever be able to do or say that will change his pervasively low opinion of me; for some reason, he just cannot see my heart.  You however, see my heart!  You’ve seen my filth, you’ve heard me bitch and moan, and you’ve watched me making colossal mistakes BUT you loved me in spite of that.  That’s major!

Several of you like Grandpappy Sky, Diane, Rod Arters, Arlene the Queen, Sabrina, and Scott Williams  I feel like I know personally.  You make me feel cherished, and I certainly cherish you.  You all inspire me to be a better version of myself.  I dearly love you and am so thankful for your presence in my life as it has served great purpose.  I am going through some struggles that I am working on harder than I think I’ve ever worked on anything.  I have been in bondage for so many years, particularly where my need for love and approval from unloving, disapproving men are concerned.   I have been addicted to sex and love.  Guys want to f@#k me senselessly, but they don’t want to commit to me and they sure as hell don’t want to fight for me. 

I officially reached the end of me and surrendered everything to God with my “entire” soul about 4 days ago.  Before that, the devil was whispering (more like screaming) lies into my ear… again.  When the bottom fell out a little over two weeks ago the fear that I was going to end up just like my mother, dead by my own hand at a young age, was in my face like never before.   After all, we seem to be twin souls.  Moreover, I can still envision the look on my father’s face and hear the sincere disgust in his voice when he’d say, “You’re just like your mother.”   I grew up thinking that being like her was an awful thing.  I’m not so sure it was though…

 I love the Lord more words could ever express and when I make a promise to Him, I take it seriously.  Therefore, I simply will “not” make a promise to God that I know that I cannot or may not keep.  With that, I am fasting from sex, including getting my freak on with myself, which I don’t mind telling you, “I quite enjoy.”   My power tools are about to be locked in my attic.  I am also fasting from booze, which makes me do really, really regrettable things that are out of character for me when I am feeling emotionally fragile and vulnerable. 

I was seeing this guy for about a year.  I stayed too long in the relationship (more later on that).  I could have walked away with my dignity, but “no”.  I did not.  I am fasting from my addiction, not to him, but to what he represents in my head as I have recognized that he, like so many before him, are mere symptoms of the root cause of my problem.  He was just a personification of some really old, deeply repressed shit that I never really knew existed in me.  Nevertheless, all lines of communication (e.g. text messages, phone calls, Facebook, etc) have been blocked and I will not make any attempt to communicate with him in any fashion.  The only reason I have the strength to do this is simply because of my affection for God and desire for Him to be number one in my life.

Enough is enough. The journey that I am embarking on with God is not going to be easy for me.  However, I am afraid that if I do not overcome it, that I may die.  I do not want to die.  So I’m fighting harder than ever this time. 

My goal is to write about what God is revealing to me, at least over the course of the next month, particularly since I am in the Word like I have honestly never been in my entire life…  I hope you’ll stick around and listen to me get honest about my not-so-pretty, insanely unflattering junk.  I believe that pain and the human will to survive is universal, so I’m betting that you may see yourself in some of my stuff. 

Nevertheless, I just want you to know that I love you… and that I’m so thankful for you.  I pray that you’re all still out there.  As it stands, I am feeling a bit:

ASHAMED.  GUILTY.  REGRETFUL.  FOOLISH.  LOST.  EXHAUSTED.

 

If loving you is wrong I don’t wanna be right!

-Ava Elizabeth Wisdom

 

About Ava Elizabeth Wisdom

Greetings Beloved, I am a 41-year old single mother of two boys. I was a stripper for almost a decade and have lived the kind of life that parallels something you'd see in a movie. I not only partied like a rock star, I literally partied with rock stars. I stopped dancing in 2000 and began college when my oldest was 4. Shortly after turning my life back over to the Lord and beginning my academic career at the university, my precious mother, a former Fort Worth Police officer committed suicide. When I found her, she had been dead for 3 days. I did her hair, make-up, got her dressed, and had her nails filled for her viewing and funeral. In spite of my appearance and way with men, I have never been married. Rejection and abandonment have seemed to define me since conception when my biological father deserted my mother as soon as he found out she was carrying me. I am a recovering co-dependent with a heart so big that I have to be cautious so that I don't exhaust myself in focusing on and giving to others. I was a very angry child who grew up in a violent, dysfunctional home so I haven't always loved others from the depths of my heart. However, after the loss of my loved ones, I learned that time is fleeting and that you never know when you're going to see someone for the last time. So now, I am quick to love others and strive to maximize each second that I have with the ones I love. In spite of my sin and my struggles with men, drugs, and alcohol, my faith defines me. I could never deny Christ because at the times of my life when I had everything stripped away I could literally feel Him with me. I love to write and pray that this blog will inspire you and draw you closer to the heart of God. Ava Elizabeth Wisdom

13 responses »

  1. Hey Girl – first off – You matter, stop swallowing that BS that gets handed you by men (or others) who hate themselves, so how could they love you. Second keep that stuff out of reach, but don’t get down on yourself for loving life a little, just keep a reign on it, it can’t be an obsession, it will take all your energy, your are human, and you need to feel loved, even if it is from yourself. Thirdly Read Napoleon Hll’s book “Outwitting The Devil” it’s brilliant … He was a master at spinning yarns. I am almost through it, and have thoroughly enjoyed it.
    Lastly – Don’t ever think that doing yourself in solves anything. You wake up on the other side and say oh shit – that’s not what I wanted – and the only way back is through another woman – trust me on this …
    And yes, you are loved – gfs

    • I hear what you’re saying, but I have been mastered by sex in unhealthy ways since I was 5 years old. I have to tame the beast… I also have to remove myself from the situation in order to be clear-headed enough to figure out which way is up. I need to show myself that I value “me”. I feel like I’m climbing Mount Everest, but damn it… I will reach the top. I simply refuse to keep playing out the same scenes over and over and over and expecting a different ending. I lost myself somewhere along the way… I have to reclaim control and not feel like things are just happening “to” me. I need to feel purposed again.

      I am going to look up the book now. Thank you for the recommendation. I’d trust anything you suggested to me. You rock my world, Grandpaps… and I’m happy that we’re connecting again.

    • Thank you, beloved friend. You moved me beyond words when you told me that you had been praying for us. I was especially moved that you knew to pray for my kids the most. I feel a deep sense of shame knowing that their lives have been impacted by my struggles. I love you and can’t wait to catch up. You are a very special person with a beautiful soul. You radiate God’s love for me.

  2. “I am fasting from my addiction, not to him, but to what he represents in my head as I have recognized that he, like so many before him, are mere symptoms of the root cause of my problem. He was just a personification of some really old, deeply repressed shit that I never really knew existed in me.”
    That’s really it, isn’t it? It’s so much easier, makes so much more “sense” to only deal with the symptoms and keep the cancer. Cutting it out is way way harder…

  3. Ava!
    Great to see you back and writing again! So glad you’re back with the Lord and growing again. I have thought about you several times over the last few months… Sorry I did not reach out. I have been going through my own struggles as well. You are a precious person, beautiful on the inside and out. It has been said that “God whispers in our pleasures and shouts in our pain.” I pray you hear loud and clearly as God shouts that “YOU ARE LOVED.” Love ya!

    • Rod Arters! I am so happy to hear from you!!! I think about you quite often as well. I hate to hear that you’ve been dealing with any kind of struggle…. or any unpleasantries at all, for that matter. You are my friend and I am here for you if you need to talk. I mean that!

  4. Hi Ava, I have attempted suicide. I have bipolar, paranoid personality and obsessive compulsive disorders. I know what addictions to people are like. I am just coming out of such an addiction. Also, many of my friends are former strippers, you can see some of them at http://cardiffpaintings.wordpress.com

    I too suffered from low self esteem and abandonment issues. I meditate to clear my mind of all the shit that brings me down. Please know that you are loved. Each moment is a new beginning. We choose what we think and what we accept from others. We are all the same, we seek happiness and an end to suffering. Love, Dennis

    • Well of COURSE you have a myriad of mental illnesses (although they do NOT define you)…YOU’RE A GENIUS. You’re a very, very special soul. Your talents are unparalleled and I imagine that a mind as beautiful as yours never stops going.

      You art has left me breathless. Your compassion, empathy, and genuine love for others is beautiful…and rare. I cannot tell you how honored I am to know you and feel that God definitely put you in my path.

      Dennis, your writing, your art, and your perceptions of the world are simply lovely. I am without words.

      YOU are also loved…. and I mean you are loved “extravagantly”. God has a high calling on your life and you simply must share your story with the masses as, I feel, we all have something to learn from you. Dennis, you are my brother in Christ and I look forward to spending Eternity with you someday. You have truly inspired me.

      XOXO,
      Ava

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