“To love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give oneself completely in the hope that our love will produce hope in the loved person. Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love.”
In essence, love is a gamble. I decided that it’s like the lottery. If you don’t play you simply cannot win. The problem is that I’m almost 40…and to date, I have not won.
I knew that the relationship that I have been in was astonishingly toxic, but this evening I learned that I am completely and indescribably disposable to this man. I recently loaned him a sizable amount of money. I know, I know…how pitifully stupid of me. Another codependent attempt to help someone I thought I loved. My intentions were wholly pure. But why do I keep falling in love with unlovable men?
I recently lost my job. The new job that I have taken will reduce my pay by $30,000 per year. I made this loan in good faith, feeling (somewhat) confident that he would honor me by paying it back. After all, he was the one who solicited me for the money. The loan was one of those white-trash payday loans that will incur 30 percent interest every two weeks until the principle is paid in full. I feel sick. My financial situation is already bleak…and logically it’s about to get much worse. I need a miracle…and a roommate!
I love the quote by Rollo May that says, “The opposite of love is not hate; apathy is.” Indeed my friends…indeed. This man grew completely cold and apathetic in regards to me after I loaned him the money. I haven’t seen him since and might be lucky if I received one or two texts a day. He insisted last night that, “a text is the same as a phone call.” Really?
Tonight I merely asked if he planned to pay anything toward the principal, as tomorrow is the deadline. He said things like, “Fuck off, loser.” and “fucking fly“. The beauty of the situation is that I do not love him anymore. After all, if I were to label something like this “love” I would expect to be immediately placed in a straight jacket and tossed into a padded room. I may be dysfunctional, but I know what love is. This certainly isn’t it. Love isn’t supposed to hurt.
One thing I do know though is that, in spite of my recent spiritual disconnect, God loves me. As a matter of fact, His love is all the love I need… I want God to be my husband. However, those words are easy to say, but hard to really internalize enough to make my heart cry out for and accept His all-consuming love. I have often times cursed God simply because He is invisible. Faith take a lot of work, and this woman here has been longing for a pair of tangible arms to hold her for as long as I can remember.
My life circumstances tell me that I am rejected, abandoned, and that I should just go ahead and succumb to this feeling of impending doom. Praise God for the following scripture:
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord, Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he CHOSE us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love He PREDESTINED us to be ADOPTED as his sons through Christ Jesus, in accordance with His PLEASURE AND HIS WILL–to the praise of his glorious grace, which He has freely given us in the One He loves. In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us with ALL wisdom and understanding. -Ephesians 1:3-8
Now that is good stuff! He adopted you and me! He CHOSE us…before He even created the world. He created us not just because he wanted to, but also for his pleasure. And the part about His Grace… He LAVISHED it upon us with ALL his wisdom and ALL of His understanding. I imagine God’s wisdom and understanding to be pretty intense. It’s true that our human minds cannot comprehend a love so great. So if He chose us…before the beginning of time, with ALL his will, pleasure, and understanding that means that He knew exactly what He was getting Himself into.
He knew about our sins, our flaws, our bad, habits, and our insecurities. He knew we would be beautiful, but beautiful messes, indeed. AND HE DID IT ANYWAY!
So when a loathsome, abusive, spineless man comes along and tries to steal my joy (and my money)… I will remind myself that Jesus suffered died on a cross for me…and for YOU.
True love will never come in human form. I have to keep reminding myself of this. No man can be all things to all people…just our Beloved Savior. Let’s allow Him to be ENOUGH.